Transforming “SHOULD”
Lately my family and community have been talking a lot about shame and should. I define shame as a deep worthlessness because of one’s lack of power. This is differnet from guilt which is deep worthlessness because of power wrongly applied. For example, you use powerful words with someone you love and feel guilt because you see that it hurt them. But this then taps into a deep shame because you should have had the power to stop yourself or know better and you didn’t. Suddenly, you feel like a deeply flawed parent, lover, or friend unworthy of connection.
“Should” is directly connected to shame because we use the word when we know we ought to be doing something, but it’s not currently coming from motivation within us — the power involved in a “should” is extrinsic vs intrinsic (see Extrinsic vs Intrinsic Motivators) — thus it makes us aware of our powerless to do this from within ourselves. That’s pretty much the definition of shame.
So how do we break the Should-to-Shame cycle? This is a really popular topic in the Self-Development and Success Industry:
Susan David tells a “should” story about a hard-driving executive and his son: Transforming ‘Should’ into ‘Want’: How to Create Lasting Change. Great Quote: The key to success is to remember that a willing heart is more powerful than a wagging finger.
Right now, I’m thinking about two systematic pathways to transform “shoulds”:
- Must: intrinsic urgency based on consequence (Beta-aligned | Incarnational Pathway)
- Want: intrinsic desire based on opportunity (Alpha-alignhed | Intercessional Pathway)
I plan on working to apply this in the following areas (The Three Levels):
- Personal: I’m working to currently transform my work and life patterns into the father and executive I want to be.
- Relational: Our family (via MagSchool) is working on moving out of a shame-based culture and this is key.
- Systemic: The institutions I’m involved in leading through various roles need transformation but find their participants (and some leaders) stuck in should mode.
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