Intimate Relationship Work

I’m working on a process for working on big or hard relational issues on the level of intimacy instead of negotiation (See Three Levels of Relationship to clarify). The Mrs. and I have found this type of process — though we’ve used it very informally — to be a much better way to work through something collaboratively. Its still a work in progress, but listing it here might let others work and improve the process as well:

1. Very briefly identify the issue you’d like to work on together, but don’t try to work on it right then.
2. Set a period of time — 1-3 days — to “charge your intimacy” with the other person. Until this period of time ends, you won’t try to work directly on the issue either on your own or with the other person.
3. During the charging period, each person should meditate on what they know about the other person. The point is to truly receive and hold dear (fight for) inside yourself who the other person is. The following questions can help as you think about the other person.
   • What drives them?
   • What is the most important to them?
   • What good do they want to bring to the relationship?
   • What do you hold treasure or hold precious about them?
   • What wounds or limitations have they encountered in life and are overcoming?
4. When its time to talk about the issue, start by expressing what you’ve been holding about the other person during the charging period. Really listen to what the other person has been holding about you.
5. Get strait into the data and information of the issue. Trust the other person to hold your interests in heart, so you don’t need and should give space to defining and defending positions. We often withhold the data and information about what’s going on because we don’t trust the other person with our interests, so we waste time waiting for them to convince us that they can be trusted.
6. Once the data and information is out on the table, start by giving the other person the largest gift of their interest possible. They will do the same for you. Then, organize whatever practical concerns are needed to edit or adjust these gifts and support their execution. Remember the simpler the plan, the more likely it will be executed and the fewer resources it will take to maintain.

I’ll add more in the way of examples and explanations later as I have time, work with the process more, and get feedback.